some entries will be friends only i'd imagine. comment to be added.
starting to get the worn out, run down feeling which is rather annoying. i haven't even been doing anything recently, blerugh. absolutely no interest in university. missed 2 lectures this week and it's the first week back. oh well. wish i could stop having nightmares / surreal, fucked up dreams. but on the other hand they're sort of awesome. there is something wrong with my subconscious. i want people to stop judging me. i also want to stop being so highly strung all the time and just worrying worrying worrying. maybe i should start smoking weed. wish i could chill out about things, got a feeling all this negative energy i'm putting out there is gonna come back to bite me on the ass. "i worried about it so much that it actually happened." maybe i'll bake a cake tomorrow. i hope i can stop worrying about it and get my hair cut. good for the soul.
i am starting to realise i have no grand ambitions. sure, i wanna write and be successful from that but if i could just write to earn enough to support myself, that'd be good enough for me. stephen king lite edition. i just want my own place and a fish and a dog and i can decorate it all on my own and go shopping every couple of days to buy little things for my apartment and cook lavish meals for myself and drink wine every night and listen to music and have a "cinema room" and blog and know that nobody will be in my house and creating mess that i have to clean.
as if it's christmas eve. this year's gone so quickly and so much has changed, oh man. being home for christmas is nice but the dullest thing i've ever done, i forget how nice home is... when you're not a home. literally haven't left this place since last saturday, absolutely dire. but i have nowhere to go and no friends. oh well, psyched to go back to brighton i guess. actually miss work too a little bit, i might always be tired but at least it's a good wage, i like the people i work with/for and i can have a bit of a boogie. and get chatted up a lot. confidence+
planned a lot of changes in my head, i hope i can follow through; i normally don't. oh well. content.
happy holidays everybody!
little bit drunk now, so probably the best time to make an entry. just ate my weight in cheese and chips (and onions) so i'm pretty happy. completely ignoring the fact i need to work on a creative writing portfolio, read jane eyre by tomorrow, work on a 19th century essay and research for my presentation. oh well. only live once and all that. don't know how i'm feeling about me and matt. good & bad. mostly good but maybe i need to bite the bullet and just do it. i finally finally finally got a job. at a gay club that i used to go to quite often. actually really enjoy it; fuck all the people that are looking down on me for it. wish the people i don't like + matt's ex didn't' show up there all the time. awkward and annoying. whatever. decided i don't give a shit of what people think and need to do stuff to further myself rather than what i think people want me to do. if i was a woman i'd go on about girl power but, eh, as a man, what do we have that's ~enabling~ of our innate fierceness?
fuck it. GO ME.
- i am now 21.
- i (mostly) live in brighton now.
- i cannot get a job and have had to come home for a week or two to the hotel.
- i am going to festival tomorrow.
- i am very much besotted with matt.
- i am toying with the idea of trying to live/work in paris after university.
- i don't know if i am going to finish university.
- i need a drastic change to my personal appearance.
- i am rubbish at maintaining friendships.
panicking a lot about the lack of job in brighton but i have to keep telling myself it will happen when it happens and try harder each time. trying to be positive about things! sick of moping and i have moped a lot less recently... i hope. feeling very out of sorts at the moment, not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. we'll have to see.
in other news i really want to bake lots and lots and get really good and make lots of baked goods for others to enjoy. ENDEAVOUR TO CHANGE & IMPROVE.
so the most significant thing i've done in my life lately is re-read the entire harry potter series in about four days. very excited and very worried about moving in to the Hanover house on the 21st. panicking lots lots lots over money and the fact i will have £0. very worrisome. i'm feeling a big appearance change for me. need my hair did and some new threads~. looking forward to the SUMMER FITNESS PLAN. (read: swim gym swim gym). anyway i'm sure everything will work out in the end! i am trying to be positive. on the plus side only a week until i go to brum and see my boyfriend woo woo. then moving in time!
"yeah, baby. stay."
haven't written for a while. not sure why. i am no longer a first year student at university which is very odd. i didn't work hard enough. things are going well with matt i think but i am very scared. lately i don't really like myself but i feel like i might in the summer when things change and i can try harder. since university has finished i have been hanging out and stuff and it's been fun. very excited for the next few months. i think i am okay. i haven't been sleeping lately. i think i'll watch from beginning to end in bed. tomorrow i will write in my journal and think about opening a film blog again and think about paris.
+ sitting in the living room with the windows open and music on with my friends
+ buy some skates & skate around the park with jess in a vest and shorts
+ swim & jog & gym.
+ work hard
+ smoke in jess's room under that skylight
+ learn guitar & magic & french
+ watch lots of films & read lots of books
+ make my friends play games
+ board games
+ make lots of photos & produce lots of photos
+ drink on the beach
+ print off all of the photos on my tumblr and stick them to my wall
+ get a dreamcatcher, a star projector and incense
+ find new music
+ make things with my own hands
+ be part of this city
i am sitting on a bus and i am hugely depressed. lean my head against the cold window and close my eyes. almost fall asleep. i am jerked awake by someone sitting next to me who smiles at me. he is a good looking man with a big smile who talks to me and slowly pulls me out of my sadness. he is funny and easy to get along with. he gets off of the bus and it now i realise he is missing half of his leg (my phobia is amputees for reasons i do not know.) he takes his crutch from the front of the bus and waves to me. i get off at the next stop crippled by my fear. i want to be his friend but i am also torn by the fact i have a boyfriend. what do i do? a friend tells me to run and tell him my facebook details so we can chat.
(he was walking down the road where Nige used to live.)
arrived home today for basically the first time in eight months. only been here once since then and that was christmas day and i went straight after. so weird. mum's turned my room into basically a sewing room. not too happy about that but whatever. i feel very nostalgic and odd; been looking through all my old notes and diary things and journal entries and found my signed shirts from school and stuff. it's sad i suppose. not looking forward to work work working the next 3 weeks whilst i am here but i need major ££dolla££. SUCK IT UP. there is definitely an aesthetic in my life that i feel i am missing and i need to strive to get it but i think it involves a lot of money. overall i think i am doing okay. doctor's appointment soon to sort out my ~problem~ and then maybe life will be a little better.
everything feels like it's in flux at the moment but at the same time sickeningly stagnant. a constant battle within my own mind; like a ongoing dizziness. wanderlust perhaps?
i have a lot of movies to watch. i need a dream journal and they have film moleskins and i must own one despite my handwriting making me feel s i c k. going to get my tattoo priced up i think as well. THE HERMIT. relevant image is relevant.
a nice day in the pre-summer sun. actually can't wait for it to be gloriously sunny so i can wear shorts and vests and oversized shirts with nothing underneath and sunglasses and loafers and try to tan. gonna be so boss. i'm worrying a lot a lot a lot about the summer in regards to the move in date for this house and money and how am i going to afford everything sjhgskjdgs. but i'm sure i'll manage and everything will work out in the end! time to worry less about life and maybe enjoy it more? shock horror. doctors next month as well. the fear will kick in soon. push back relax.
in other news i am so so so sick of being in this horrible flat. no friends + middle of nowhere + dingy is not good. cannot wait to be in my nice house in town with the big kitchen and my small room which i will make home. dreamcatchers and origami birds and a star machine and incense and photographs. yes please. home soon and will work every waking hour. so strapped for £££. might get a tattooooooo.
reading for pleasure time / ignoring the several books i actually need to read to get this degree time!