nineteen

Sup! Welcome to my LiveJournal. Some entries may be friends only, but probably not a lot.. but if you're interested in being my friend, feel free to. A comment here first would be nice though. I don't mind who adds me, so knock yourself out.

Come With Me
Into The Tree's
we'll lay on the grass
And let the hours pass
Take My Hand
Come Back To The Land
Let's Get Away
Just for one day.

Let Me See You
Stripped Down to the bone
Let me Hear you
Speaking Just For Me
Let me see you
Stripped Down to the bone
Let Me Hear you
Crying just for me

Let Me Hear you
Make decisions
Without Your Television
Let Me hear you speaking
just for me.

Metropolis
Has Nothing on This
You're Breathing in fumes
I taste when we kiss
Take My Hand
Come Back To The Land
Where Everything's Ours
For a Few Hours

Let Me See You
Stripped Down to the bone
Let me Hear you
Speaking Just For Me
Let me see you
Stripped Down to the bone
Let Me Hear you
Crying just for me

Let Me Hear you
Make decisions
Without Your Television
Let Me hear you speaking
just for me.

Let Me See You
Stripped Down to the bone
Let me Hear you
Speaking Just For Me
Let me see you
Stripped Down to the bone
Let Me Hear you
Crying just for me

i have never been more glad for a work shift to be over before .. and i have never been so close to walking out on a job. fucking ridiculous. if i don't get out of there quick then i am going to lose my fucking mind. a job should not make you want to sit on the floor and cry. especially not a fucking remedial skills job.

my energy has been REALLY off lately. i feel like i am not being who i am supposed to be. i don't mean this in an ~emo~ way, not really. i've just been really off. snappy and impatient and unmotivated. and i sort of realise that's how i am most times, but i don't want to be. i want to change. i don't know if i lack the desire to but there's one way to find out!



gonna start eating a little healthier, exercising, writing more, even if it's crap. i don't know. i just feel so sick and tired and STILL. need to move more.
even writing this is giving me a bit of a panic attack so i'll spam some pictures which i like. i think this sums how i am feeling:


in other news i have spent the entire week with my boyfriend. i could have been better company but i enjoyed it anyway.
i hate my job with all my soul. it makes me want to die. dentist on thursday. trying to arrange college & uni stuff is hard. missed the deadline for student finance so idk what to do there.
i wish i could bodyjump.

or teleport.

wow i feel like fucking shit. i thought sleeping would make me feel a little better but apparently it's only made things worse. yay! i don't know knoww. i just feel awful. not only is it nige's death day today (okay not properly until october but still) which is making me feel sad but i feel lonely and angry. i hate how dependent i've become on people (mainly joey) but it feels so good when i'm with him and when i'm not i apparently can't function, the same goes with my friends. :( the thought of working the next four days is actually making me want to cry though, physically cry. i just want to curl up in bed and sob a little bit. boooo. not felt like this in ages. i could ring in sick but ugh if i do it now i'll start doing it all the time and i need the money.
sdjgkdhsgs idk. SRY ABOUT BEING SO SAD GUYZ.

yeah!

i hope so.












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move along. found some more blog archives. shit man.

( the year 2005 )

last night's dream consisted of (vaugely, i forget now) me and a brother and a sister and a father. i don't know if they were MY family. i think they might have been. anyway, stuff happened and then suddenly the sister touched the baby brother and the sister started decreasing in age. she was getting younger and younger until she was a toddler. i started screaming and then pushed the baby away (and i de-aged a little) then the father (who was like a middle aged man) was on a bed with me and the baby and the sister and he touched the baby on purpose and got younger until he was like 20 something and then i was like NOOOooo so i pushed the baby off the bed. i then suddenly had to jump on the father (who looks like a celebrity i can't think of the name of) and ejaculated ALL over his chest and it made a funny noise and went everywhere.
then i woke up.
and it was not a ~~wet~~ dream.

fucking weird.

i had a dream about a week ago that my foot was disintegrating, it was a mess of nerve endings and hollow skin cavities. like cancer. and then last night i had a dream that my foot was hollow and full of sawdust which was apparently really, really bad and dangerous.
wtf?

goodnight.

i had a story idea earlier about a boy who thinks he can time travel by really straining his brain but actually the more he strains the worse the inoperable tumor in his brain gets and he blacks out and wakes up later and later.
thus the time travel.
then he dies.

i just ordered the film 'The Colour Purple' which i saw the other day (it was beautiful) and the Gunslinger comic. yeahhhh at some Dark Tower fix. i've been looking at clothes i can't afford. i don't know why, it just makes me sad.

annoyed.

p.s films i've watched and should write about: wolverine, the mist, dreamcatcher, the colour purple, IT.

i had a dream that i got into university last night and i was unpacking my things in my new dorm room and i was really happy and someone asked me where i lived and i said BRIGHTON, I LIVE IN BRIGHTON.

now i'm really depressed. i should shower.

funny stuff.

i feel shit. mum is doing my HEAD IN. i like how NOW she's jumped on the 'hey luke you must have responsibilities in your life! priorities priorities priorities!' bandwagon. fantastic. how about stepping the fuck back? you could have drilled that into me years ago and i might have turned out into a decent worker but it's a little too late now. you've done some stupid stuff for love, let me just be young and silly. i miss my friends and i miss joey and i miss kate and anisa and i miss holly and i am never going to see a lot of these people again.

growing up fucking sucks.

i am such a:


p.s i'm really not that bad i just feel meloncholy y'know?

p.p.s SHOULD I GET THIS HAIRCUT???

i dunno. i guess i'm just angry and restless and upset and i don't really know why. i think i've been still for too long and it's getting to me. maybe i need to jump sometime soon. really conflicted about things and i've been taking it out on the wrong people but i can't help it. i think people overestimate me. whatever.

it's been a strange week.

join listography so i can post this shit there.

things to do this weekend:

- Work 10 5 0!!!!! hours. (booo..)
- go through every chapter of Enduring Love. make summaries of the chapters, narrative notes, significant character changes/developments and important quotes if there are any.
- try and sort online finance thing out for uni. IF THIS IS NOT DONE GO TO THE MEETING ON MONDAY.
- finish Othello commentary.
- read through all poems AT LEAST ONCE. Lamia/La Bell Sans Merci/St Agnes for Keats, Goblin Market, The Royal Princess and er.. the cousiny one for Rosetti. make summaries for each one because you have no idea wtf is going on.
- LEARN ENGLISH LANGUAGE TERMINOLOGY. get mum to test you.
- find haircut ideas. this is important.
- try and arrange doctors/dentist.
- tidy room, throw out old clothes.
- leave everyone a nice message on facebook. yeeeah. done. joey if you read this then i can't leave you one without me being worried your dad will kill me okthx.
- sleep and don't be late on monday.

woop woop. for the first time since september i'm a little bit calmer about my exams. i need to get an A in english lit and a B in english language. my first pieces of coursework for both are an A and a B respectively (but haven't been moderated so that could go up/down) and as long as i get these poems down, i should be okay. my other two pieces of coursework should be A/B too. sdkhgksjdhgds. MAYBE THIS WILL HAPPEN.
off to work now. yayayayaya. . dkjhgdksgs. >_>

i am tired of complaining about things and not doing anything about them. it's time for a change.

things i complain about:

my body.
solution: stop eating shit. drink more water. go to a dentist. find out about that gym down the road. go to the doctors. get a haircut/colour that i like. get some new clothes.

my mind.
start doing little things for myself. start doing big things for other people. stop hiding behind so many jokes. open up more, no matter how much it hurts. be nicer. be less sarcastic and mean.

work.
if you want money then suck it up. fool. and if you're worried about exams, start fucking revising! it's better to do something than nothing. stop whining.

this entry feels really weird. maybe i'm growing up? i want to start keeping a dream diary and watercolouring and writing in my notebook even if i do have terrible, 10 year old's handwriting. nobody else is going to read it so who cares?


this isn't me. i need to start using my camera. all the time. my laptop's shit though. note to self: ask joey if i can store photos on his computer until i get a new computer.

i'm feeling lost, tired and really, really afraid. i'm not sure who to talk to (i am but i'm not) but i am going to seek help soon i just need to really man up, y'know? health issues are back. fml. i feel like i'm on the edge of a precipice. last night in bed i started hyperventilating a little and i don't think joey noticed (or if he did i think he just thought i was being silly) and it was horrible and nasty. i had a flash today that i might just get into university. i hope so. i want to go to paris or germany for a while and clear my head. i don't want to go into work tomorrow. i want to stop making grumpy/mopey posts! i don't know how haha.

i think i'm going to try and buy a new computer this month. i need a hobby and i'm not sure what to try. i can't draw worth a damn but i might start watercoloring. i have a phobia of amputees but i would sell a limb to be able to create visual art. (writing doesn't count.) blast n darn.

people take things for granted. it's a shame. i am a hypocrit and this is the cryptic post i promised i wouldn't make! much apologies my friends.

okay here's a picture of a sunbeam.



p.s do not want to go to work tomorrow so fucking hard.

Cash could not remember the last time he had had so much fun. Perhaps when he was younger. Dimly – as if staring through muddy water – he tried to remember.
(??a birthday party?? was that it? Something about a thomas the tank engine cake and a remote control car and his dad who was big in body but small in brains drinking from a bottle that read VOD and ended in KA and kicking his shiny red car and oh my god daddy what are you -)
No, Cash thought. That could not have possibly been the last time he was happy – could it? That fleeting moment of pure, exhilarating fullness? Perhaps.. Perhaps it was. But that memory was dim and distant.. and dark. Now was not the time for dark, now was the time for the light behind the clouds.
And he was having so much goddamn fun!
Cash had spent the morning in old Ms. Sparrow's garden, playing with the toys that he had borrowed
(stolen)
from Graham's toy store. A red car. A red fire engine. A black truck. He had chosen Sparrow's garden because she had been a crazy old coot
(cunt was the word that his daddy had used) who prized her garden and would never let “dirty little tykes” like Cash play in it. And now where was she? Somewhere. Somewhere far far away. The first thing Cash had done when he had tip-toed his way into her botanic wonderland – her Garden – was go pee-pee in her roses. And then – when he couldn't find her goddamned scrawny cat to kick – he got out his new toys and began to play. When that got boring – which, let's face it, was pretty quickly – Cash began to wander around town. It had never been a big place – even to his tiny eyes – but now, with the absence of people, it was vast and quiet. There was no bird song, no dogs barking, no bustling people, no faint roar of traffic. Nothing. At first, Cash reveled in this. No grownups to tell him what to do! Cash broke into (i'm just looking really I am but i'm sorry too!) a few stores and played with whatever he wanted. He ate chocolate milkshake for breakfast, lunch and tea, and when he felt the need to – which wasn't long after all those tall frosties – he left his waste on his old neighbor's bed. The neighbor that had called him a “mutie” for melting ants with a magnifying glass.
“WHO'S THE MUTIE NOW?!” Cash had finally screamed to his neighbor's ceiling after he had soiled all over the clean and untouched bed sheets. Cash was not expecting an answer, but was still a bit afraid when he didn't receive one. Then the room began to smell of poo so he left it and wandered around the street, kicking cans without being told off and spitting in the gutter without looking over his shoulder.
If he had looked, he would have seen nothing.
Eventually, Cash found himself back at home. He was weeping openly. He let himself in, shut the door quietly, and tip-toed into his own room. He tried to fall asleep in his bed – but couldn't – and the vampires, ghosts and mummies on his wall began to scare him. Cash let out a mewl of fear, left his bedroom and climbed into his daddy's bed. It still smelt like VOD KA, sweat and (masturbation) but he didn't know that word. It was comforting, safe, and when he was wrapped in blankets, the sound of his crying was muffled and he felt less like a baby.
Dimly (dark and dim) he remembered that birthday party, that cake. Those nine candles. (one day they'll be nineteen candles Cashy boy! His father had said before the VOD KA but Cash could smell it coming like the stench of ((death??)) and when he blew out the candles, he made one wish.)
and now, lying in his daddy's bed (that cash would soon soil out of fear) the boy wished he had another birthday cake in front of him. Another nine candles. Another chance.